Have you ever walked away from a conversation frustrated, replaying it in your head, and becoming more convinced by the minute that you know exactly what the other person was thinking?
Maybe it sounds like, “They don’t respect me,” or, “They should know better,” or, “If I don’t fix this, nobody will.”
Here’s the problem: those aren’t always facts. Sometimes, they’re stories.
And as leaders, the stories we tell ourselves have a funny way of becoming the way we lead.
Your Thoughts Are Leading Your Team
Most of us like to think our reactions are caused entirely by what’s happening around us. Someone questions a decision, so we get defensive. An employee misses the mark, so we get frustrated. A problem lands on our desk, so we jump in and solve it.
But there’s usually something happening between the situation and our response. There’s a narrative.
Someone questions your decision, and the story becomes, “They don’t trust me.” An employee makes a mistake, and the story becomes, “They just don’t care enough to get this right.” Someone brings you another problem, and the story becomes, “Apparently, I have to do everything around here.”
Different situations. Different people. Same pattern.
That’s why self-awareness matters so much in leadership. The conversations happening inside our heads don’t stay there. They show up in our tone, our body language, the questions we ask, and the assumptions we make.
Your team may never hear you say, “They should know better,” but they will absolutely experience the behavior that comes after that thought.
The good news is that awareness gives us options.
Once you start noticing the story you’re telling yourself, you can decide whether it’s helping you lead well or pushing you into a reactive pattern.
Instead of thinking, “They’re questioning me,” you might ask, “Do they need more clarity?” Instead of thinking, “Here we go again,” you might ask, “Is this an opportunity to coach?” Instead of thinking, “I have to fix this,” you might ask, “How can I help them own the solution?”
The situation hasn’t changed. The person hasn’t changed. But your mindset has.
And that small shift can completely change the conversation. It can move you from defensiveness to curiosity, from criticism to coaching, and from rescuing to building ownership.
Leadership Starts With the Mirror
We spend a lot of time looking for scripts, frameworks, and tactics to make us better leaders. Those tools can absolutely help, but sometimes the most important leadership work happens before you ever open your mouth.
It’s recognizing the version of yourself that tends to take over under pressure. Maybe you become the fixer, the defender, the critic, or the avoider. Maybe you need to be right. Maybe you assume the worst before you have all the information.
We all have patterns. The question is whether we’re aware enough to notice when those patterns are running the show.
This is exactly what I’ll be talking about at the Women in HVACR Annual Conference in Indianapolis, September 28-29.
My session, “What’s the Story You’re Telling Yourself — and Is It Costing You?”, will explore how our internal narratives influence the way we communicate, make decisions, navigate difficult situations, and ultimately show up for the people we lead.
I’m excited about this conversation because it’s incredibly practical. We all have an inner dialogue, and we all have moments when that dialogue starts working against us. The work is learning to recognize it early enough to choose a different response.
If you’ll be at the conference, I’d love to see you there. You can learn more about the Women in HVACR Annual Conference here.
Three Questions to Ask Yourself Before You React
You don’t have to wait for a workshop to start practicing this.
The next time you feel yourself getting frustrated, defensive, impatient, or ready to jump in and fix something, pause long enough to ask yourself:
- What story am I telling myself right now?
- Is that story helping me create the outcome I actually want?
- What would a more proactive story sound like?
That pause might only take a few seconds, but it creates space between reacting by default and leading with intention.
And that space matters.
Because leadership isn’t about controlling every person or situation around you. It’s about becoming more aware of what’s happening within you so you can be more intentional about how you show up for the people around you.
So, what story are you telling yourself today?
And is it helping you become the leader you want to be?
Keep leading well,
Elise Radawitz
Velocity Leader